Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.