some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.