I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.