You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
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still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.