Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.