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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
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