I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?