Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions