I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.