I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.