So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man