He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught