I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?