Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.