If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.