It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
