i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
