He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you