Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34