Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
Dating After Heartbreak
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.