Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Missouri (816)

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  TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

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  (816): TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN. http://tfl.nu/24ey
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  Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me

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  (816): Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me http://tfl.nu/eiw2
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  I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.

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  (816): I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched. http://tfl.nu/gdap
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  I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck

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  (816): I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck http://tfl.nu/awst
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  He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.

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  (816): He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger. http://tfl.nu/btv5
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  Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

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  (816): Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7 http://tfl.nu/lqxi
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  Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?

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  (816): Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone? http://tfl.nu/wu6u
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  Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend

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  (816): Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend http://tfl.nu/q3y8
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  I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

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  I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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  (816): I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week. (1-816): I think we all know your liver needs a man's name. http://tfl.nu/bufv
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  God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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  (816): God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency. http://tfl.nu/hky6
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  Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?

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  (816): Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere? http://tfl.nu/bbd7
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  sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better

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  (816): sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better http://tfl.nu/09bw
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  We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.

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  (816): We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri. http://tfl.nu/7urx
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  Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.

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  (816): Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it. http://tfl.nu/1im6
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  The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

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  (816): The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud. http://tfl.nu/cdmp
  Replies (5) Good night (2593) Bad night (219)