Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it