no, he came in my armpit
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.