DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
