I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.