According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield