i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
