All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.