How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them