The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That's what I'm talking about