do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!