So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time