After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do