Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild