I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.