I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
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You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober