Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
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there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date