In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go