How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
theres a video...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?