I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.