That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
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Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
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Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker