I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.