You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea