All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.