I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.