Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?