The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.