Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.