Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have aggressive nipples.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far