you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.