I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.