Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
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She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore