Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (505)

Last Night in New Mexico (505)

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I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence

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That sucks

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It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!

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(505): I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence (1-505): That sucks (505): It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee! http://tfl.nu/y3d0

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This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!

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(505): This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want! http://tfl.nu/7h8o

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I hugged the bouncer as we left.

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(505): I hugged the bouncer as we left. http://tfl.nu/rbxh

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She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(505): She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before! http://tfl.nu/qmyv

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Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??

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(505): Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again?? http://tfl.nu/9q8l

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Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?

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(505): Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it? http://tfl.nu/czl6

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I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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(505): I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome. http://tfl.nu/rp6m

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Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.

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(505): Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds. http://tfl.nu/oq4c

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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?

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(505): Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake? http://tfl.nu/87n8

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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success

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(505): Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success http://tfl.nu/y0qf

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The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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(505): The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it. http://tfl.nu/p90f

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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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(505): It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand. http://tfl.nu/gh3l

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Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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(505): Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit. http://tfl.nu/tchi

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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.

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(505): I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask. http://tfl.nu/ia8j

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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.

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(505): We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it. http://tfl.nu/o399

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Last Night in New Mexico (505)

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