I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're too hungover to prance.