Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.