Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're too hungover to prance.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have aggressive nipples.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.