Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I smell like Dick and happiness
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased