If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have aggressive nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.