Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...