I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.