I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
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He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.