Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Bring me that man meat
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.