I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.