So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.