Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
how drunk are you?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???