I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm just so full of love and alcohol