I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic