I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.