My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
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I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?