I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many