I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard