I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.