We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult