As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?